


Haiyore! Nyaruko-san drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Haiyore! Nyaruko-san
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2019-11-18 22:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18127175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Published 15-Mar-2019; angst?/humor; 100 words.For the31_days"When you reach the top of the mountain, keep climbing" prompt.They don't really want a gay horse...or maybe they do.This contains relatively minor weirdness.  Reader discretion is advised.





	1. I Want A Gay Horse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Mar-2019; angst?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[When you reach the top of the mountain, keep climbing](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> They don't really want a gay horse... [or maybe they do](https://makeagif.com/gif/gay-horse-gay-horse-i-want-a-gay-horse-6gb8J9).
> 
> This contains relatively minor weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Nyaruko was strolling through a city park, lost in thought, when she found a sad little girl sitting on a bench. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Nyaruko asked.

"I want a pony," the girl said. "I already have lots of toys and games, and I know I can't keep a pony in the city. But I can't help it. I WANT A PONY."

"I know how you feel," Nyaruko said wistfully. "I'm madly in love... but he'd rather LITERALLY STAB ME WITH A FORK than give me a kiss and a hug."

Nyaruko and the little girl sighed sadly in perfect unison.


	2. Space Cadet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Mar-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief possible adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"If you haven't decided on a career," Nyaruko said to Mahiro, "you should join the Space Defense Agency!"

"Your job is too dangerous for me," Mahiro said nervously.

"The Agency has other jobs," Nyaruko explained. "You could get an office job and still do interesting work, and go on business trips, and see parts of the Universe no humans have seen!"

"Well, maybe I could," Mahiro thought out loud.

"And also, I could have you transferred 'under' ME," a drooling Nyaruko said, "and you'd have to do ANYTHING I SAY!"

"You had me," Mahiro said, "and then you lost me."


	3. Infectious Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Mar-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[There’s something much bigger than any of us here](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains relatively MAJOR weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Nyaruko had dragged Mahiro to an alien world in a distant dimension on an alternate time-line etc.

"Where's the amazing creature you wanted to show me?" Mahiro asked Nyaruko.

"You're standing on it," Nyaruko said.

"Do you mean, this mountain is alive?" Mahiro cried.

"Nope," Nyaruko said.

"Oh." Mahiro relaxed.

"I mean, the ENTIRE PLANET is alive!" Nyaruko said.

They were suddenly surrounded by monsters. "What are THOSE!?" Mahiro cried.

"They're antibodies, come to DESTROY us," Nyaruko said cheerfully. "We're like an infection to this planet. You can hardly blame it."

"I DON'T blame it!!" Mahiro yelled. "I blame YOU!!"


	4. All Hands On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Mar-2019; horror/humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Kuhi no ka lima, hele no ka maka / Where the hands move, there let the eyes follow](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains YIKES. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro had fallen asleep on the couch. He awoke to find that Nyaruko had snuggled up next to him and also fallen asleep.

He relaxed after his initial surprise. _Oh well,_ he thought. _This is actually nice. And she IS cute when she isn't being... herself._

But then, his eyes snapped open again. _It's only me and her, right? If so, why do I feel more than two hands on me?... And I'm pretty sure THAT isn't even a HAND!..._

After remembering that the cute girl snuggling him was, in fact, an eldritch abomination, Mahiro screamed a not-at-all manly scream.


	5. Weathermane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Mar-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[We can't change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the sails](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.

As the gang walked to school, Nyaruko's extremely long _ahoge_ whipped in a breeze.

"Doesn't that hurt?" Mahiro asked, concerned despite himself.

"Not at all!" Nyaruko said. "It's my Malign Deity Radar AND [a sophisticated meteorological instrument](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weather_rock)!"

"You don't say," Mahiro said, regretting his concern.

"When it does this..." Nyaruko flung it back. "I'm facing headwinds, and when it does this..." She spun it rapidly. "I'm in a TORNADO..."

"Uh huh," Mahiro said.

"And when it does THIS..." Nyaruko pointed it at Mahiro. "I'm beside my SWEET BABBOO!"

"It must be malfunctioning," Mahiro said, "because [I'M NOT YOUR SWEET BABBOO](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/a5/92/44/a59244f24ea67ec0f1fad7e0a2d44391.jpg)!!"


	6. Do You Think This Is Some Kind Of Game?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Mar-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[It’s more fun to be a pirate than to join the Navy](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Nyaruko walked up behind Kuuko, who was playing a game on one of Mahiro's mother's classic game consoles.

"That's an old game. Isn't it out of print?" Nyaruko asked. "...wait a moment. Where did you GET that game!?"

"...I, um, found it," a guilty Kuuko said.

"You work for the Space Defense Agency now, you NEET!" said Nyaruko. "You can't pirate out-of-print games!"

Kuuko held out her wrists. "You'd better HANDCUFF me," Kuuko said, "and then STRIP-SEARCH me."

"If you let me play," a weirded-out Nyaruko said, "then this conversation never happened."

"Every eldritch abomination has her price," Kuuko noted.


	7. What Isn't In A Name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Mar-2019; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains extremely silly fanon. Reader discretion is advised.

"Do you have a given name of your own besides 'Nyaruko'?" Mahiro asked Nyaruko. "I mean, wouldn't any Nyarlathotep in female form also be called a 'Nyaruko'?"

"I do have a True Name," an unusually serious Nyaruko said, "but I'm afraid you wouldn't like it."

"Why?" Mahiro asked. "Is it unpronounceable in three dimensions? Does the mere sound of it drive humans mad?"

"No, no," Nyaruko said. "It's just that it's longer than any human given name, and it doesn't translate very well."

"Could you try?" Mahiro asked with a rare smile. "If you want us to be closer, I should at least know your name."

"Alright." Nyaruko took a deep breath. "My True Name is Nyaruko[dvoratrelundar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romana_\(Doctor_Who\)) [Yvonne Edouilda Marie Annette Lillianne Marie Cecile Marie Emilda Emilie Marie Jeanne Marie Reine Alma](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dionne_quintuplets) [Guomundsdottir](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bj%C3%B6rk) [Whiskey Tango Foxtrot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whiskey_Tango_Foxtrot) [Llama Llama Duck](https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama) ARRGH!! ARRGH!! ARRGH!! [Ekky Ekky Ekky Ekky Patang Zoom Boing MRRRROWWWR!!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knights_Who_Say_Ni) [Lime Cherry Bloodberry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saber_Marionette) [Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious) [Antidisestablishmentarianism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidisestablishmentarianism) [Emzara Sedeqetelebab Na'eltama'uk 'Adataneses](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wives_aboard_Noah%27s_Ark) [Lorem Ipsum Dolor Sit Amet Consectetur Adipiscing Elit Sed Do Eiusmod Tempor—](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorem_ipsum)"

Mahiro interrupted her. "How long is this going to take?"

"Are you free until next Thursday?" Nyaruko asked in turn.

"On second thought," Mahiro said nervously, "'Nyaruko' is good."


	8. Creepy Experimental Fan-Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Mar-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Do not be too timid and squeamish about your reactions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3395746.html)" prompt.
> 
> "Creepy experimental fan-service" is an inside joke from WAY back when I wrote my first published fics for _El-Hazard_ , and it's a pretty good summary of my writing overall.
> 
> This contains Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Reader discretion is advised.

"Do you know one reason why I love you so much?" Nyaruko said to Mahiro. "You have an open mind. Most humans would be either too terrified or too disgusted by me even to talk to me."

"Well, I'm not entirely free of disgust," Mahiro confessed.

"Why don't you take advantage of that open mind, and of ME," Nyaruko suggested seductively. "Let's start with [a weed-eater, a live chicken, and some Cool Whip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wb2nZR6qbE&t=3m33s)—"

Mahiro held a deity-hunter's fork against her throat to stop her.

"We c-c-could d-d-do [that 'play'](https://otakurandomness.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/haiyore-nyaruko-san-w-04-large-02.jpg) t-t-too," a terrified Nyaruko stammered. "J-j-just don't h-h-hurt me t-t-too much."


	9. She Blac, She Attrac, But Most Importantly, She Snac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Apr-2019; crossover/horror/humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[and if we die I'll meet you up in heaven](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3404284.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains predictable weirdness with the [Internet Waifu Of The Month](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/black-hole-chan). Reader discretion is advised.

A vaguely [Hawaiian](https://www.hawaii.edu/news/2019/04/10/uh-hilo-professor-names-black-hole) woman with orange-on-black eyes and vantablack clothing floated up to Nyaruko and Mahiro. "Hello, Nyaruko!" she said.

"Hi Powehi," Nyaruko said nervously, taking a step or two back. "I've been seeing you everywhere lately."

" _ara ara_ ~" Powehi purred. "Who's your DELECTABLE human friend?"

"This is Mahiro," said Nyaruko. "As you've noticed, he's attractive to us aliens."

"I'm also 'attractive' if I do say so myself," Powehi said seductively. "Won't you both come back to my place and let me make you spaghetti?"

"That REALLY wouldn't be a good idea," Nyaruko said as she pulled Mahiro further back.

"Nyaruko, you shouldn't be rude to your friend," Mahiro said.

"She doesn't want to make spaghetti FOR us!" Nyaruko said. "She wants to [MAKE US SPAGHETTI](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghettification)!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!"

As Powehi slowly flew after them, dust and gravel disappeared into her body, and then a crater opened up under her feet.

"Wait— is she a living BLACK HOLE!?" Mahiro cried. "What'll happen if she CATCHES us!?"

"No information— not even SOULS— can escape a black hole!!" Nyaruko said. "We'll spend the next 10100 years smooshed into a singularity!!"

Mahiro screamed in sheer terror— of spending 10100 years with Nyaruko.


	10. Nude, Lewd, Unviewed, Eschewed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-May-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Your shame would equal your glory](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3414572.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains gratuitous nudity and adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro looked up as Nyaruko entered the room— and then looked away. "Good morning NyaruWHOAH WHY ARE YOU NAKED!?"

"Why not?" Nyaruko asked casually. "And why are you embarrassed? Most boys would be checking me out."

"I'm not most boys!" a mortified Mahiro said while holding his hands over his eyes.

"You should go naked with me!" Nyaruko said eagerly. "Wouldn't that be fun?"

"NO," Mahiro said. "NO IT WOULD NOT."

"Aw, c'mon," Nyaruko said playfully. "Y'know, many alien species don't even have any concept of clothing."

"I'm not an alien," Mahiro yelled, "unlike certain naked people I could name!"


	11. The Stars Are Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-May-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[How I would like you, Night! without those stars whose light speaks a language I know!](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3414572.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains general weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Nyaruko and Mahiro were stargazing on a clear warm summer evening.

Mahiro pointed at a random star. "Have you ever been there?" he asked.

"Actually," Nyaruko said, "I'm wanted by that star-system for wanton destruction of property, indecent exposure, and jaywalking."

Mahiro sighed and pointed at another star. "How about there?" he asked.

"I'm _persona non grata_ there," Nyaruko confessed, "after the incident involving the portable ice-maker and fifty gallons of glue."

"Are you still allowed any place in this galaxy?" Mahiro asked.

"Here on Earth with you?" Nyaruko asked hopefully.

"...I'll get back to you on that," Mahrio muttered.


	12. The Genius Of The Lamp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Jun-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[genus loci](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3426369.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro found Nyaruko wearing a skimpy harem outfit. "I am [the genius of the lamp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zl4jqF5lVs&t=4m21s)!!" Nyaruko declared.

"GENIE," Mahiro growled.

"Right. Genie," Nyaruko said. "* _ahem_ * I shall grant you a wish!"

"You'll do anything I ask?" Mahiro asked.

"ANYTHING," Nyaruko agreed seductively.

"And as a Nyarlathotep, you can bend time and space, right?"

"Um, kinda?" Nyaruko said nervously.

—

Kuuko found Mahiro setting a brass lamp up on a shelf. "What's that?" she asked.

"A 'container'," Mahiro said. "You could say that I wished for it."

"* _mmmph_ * * _mmmph_ * * _mmmph_ *!!" the lamp said.

"Did you hear something?" Kuuko asked.

"No," Mahiro lied.


	13. Play It Cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jun-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[slick move](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3426369.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Play It Cool](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgaiKjIs3wk&t=6s)" by Homer Simpson.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro was watching television when Nyaruko sat next to him. "Personal space," Mahiro grumbled.

Ignoring him, Nyaruko stretched and yawned, and not-so-inconspicuously slid her arm around Mahiro.

"Nyaruko, PLEASE," Mahiro said.

"What?" Nyaruko asked innocently.

"Would you like that done to you uninvited?" Mahiro asked.

As if on cue, Kuuko sat next to her, stretched and yawned, and slid HER arm around Nyaruko in turn.

"PERSONAL SPACE," Nyaruko grumbled.

"What?" Kuuko asked innocently.

"I could TWIST your arm back," Nyaruko growled.

"I'm OK with that," a masochistic Kuuko said.

"...eww," Nyaruko said.

"Human trying to watch television here," Mahiro noted.


	14. 11:59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jul-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[A midnight episode](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3435492.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[11:59](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD2MKEiCh4A)" by Blondie.
> 
> This contains general weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro awoke to find Nyaruko grinning at him. "What NOW?" asked Mahiro.

"It's almost midnight!" Nyaruko said enthusiastically. "And tomorrow is our anniversary!"

"What anniversary?" Mahiro asked.

"The three-hundred fourteenth day since we first met, silly!" Nyaruko said with a giggle.

"What kind of anniversary is THAT!?" Mahiro cried.

"An important one!" an offended Nyaruko said. "Don't you value these important days!?"

"I MIGHT," Mahiro yelled, "if YOU valued my important SLEEP!!"

Nyaruko caressed his cheek. "Oh, WE won't be getting ANY sleep TONIGHT," she purred.

Mahiro held a deity-hunter's fork under her chin.

"G-g-good night," a terrified Nyaruko stammered.


	15. The Anatomy Of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Aug-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Are you ready for love?](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3444859.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy experimental adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro found Nyaruko reading a textbook. "Is that book from The Great Library Of Celaeno?" he asked nervously.

"It's a comprehensive illustrated guide for LOVERS!" Nyaruko said eagerly.

Mahiro read its cover. "'Human Anatomy'?... Are you trying to seduce me or DISSECT me!?"

"A female Nyarlathotep has abilities beyond any human woman," Nyaruko said seductively. "After I've learned all about the human nervous system, pressure points and sexual responses, I can overload your tiny mammalian brain with SENSUAL PLEASURES NO MAN HAS KNOWN BEFORE!"

"...you might have got me," Mahiro admitted, "without the 'tiny mammalian brain' part."

"Oops," said Nyaruko.


	16. Not So Magical Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Aug-2019; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[Mind is the magic](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3444859.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains general weirdness (unrelated to the 2012 OVA). Reader discretion is advised.

"A group of boys were staring at me in the manga shop," Nyaruko said to Mahiro. "They said that I looked like a magical girl."

"They were probably surprised to see any kind of girl at all in the manga shop," Mahiro said. "Did they give you any trouble?"

"They all backed away from me," Nyaruko said, "when I showed them my '[Unspeakable Bar Thing](https://cdn.4archive.org/img/nSjHuqM.jpg)' and told them how I slaughter Nightgaunts with it."

"That was very wise of them," Mahiro noted. "And you should know that most _otaku_ are nervous around women, and YOU probably didn't help with that."


	17. Timeless Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Sep-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[You will be home before the leaves have fallen from the trees](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3452624.html)" prompt.

Mahiro and Nyaruko were strolling arm-in-arm through a beautiful grove of cherry trees in full blossom.

"How long have we been walking around?" Mahiro suddenly asked. "It somehow seems like hours."

Nyaruko held a time-dilation device in her pocket. "I don't know what you're talking about," she lied.

And then, Mahiro's stomach growled. "All good things come to an end," Nyaruko said sadly.

"If you like, we could have another viewing," Mahiro said kindly. "And I could pack a picnic lunch."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like me to make some alien delicacies for us?" Nyaruko asked.

"YES," Mahiro said.


	18. No Man's Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Oct-2019; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[beyond a mist-shrouded island, a moon rose](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3462700.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains general weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Mahiro and Nyaruko stood on a barren island of obsidian and ash in a dead sea of viscous pitch. A sullen moon hung in a cold gray sky [in much the same way that bricks don't](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#Chapter_3). The only signs of life were a few lichens and mosses that stubbornly clung to rocks in shadow. The air smelled of death.

"What's wrong, Mahiro?" asked Nyaruko.

"When we left Earth," Mahiro grumbled, "you said that we were going somewhere ROMANTIC."

"Are you saying that this ISN'T romantic?" the alien Nyaruko said in surprise. "Sometimes you human males are REALLY hard to please."


End file.
